Wednesday, January 15, 2014


For the last 3 days I have been sapped of strength and energy to the point that it's been a struggle to open my eyes and get out of bed.  I've spent more time on the couch than on my feet and my family has watched me struggle with simple tasks.  Myah finally saw some of the reality of my situation as I fell in the kitchen while Tami was in a lesson and I was trying to dinner together.  She handled it pretty well, but I have noticed that she's hugged me more than she usually does since then.

I've had to take more time off work this week than I was expecting, which is hard because I have a project that is in danger of falling behind if I can't get there this week.  I hate to take so much time off, but I don't know what's happening with my body right now and I just can't do it.  It's hard to look even half a day of work in the face when it takes your wife standing next to you and helping you to sit up just to get you out of bed. 

Needless to say, it has been a very demoralizing period for me.  I don't feel like I can contribute in any way and that I'm placing a much larger burden on my family.  I'm also having a lot of pain in my abdomen again.  Pain that had gone away for a while.  This can mean many things, but for someone who has very little will to fight right now, it just means that I'm getting sicker.  This does not bode well for my emotional state.  I've been holding back tears for days.  Sometimes I can't.  Two days ago, I was stuck on my bed while my parents waited to see me downstairs.  I just couldn't see anyone.  Thankfully, I pulled myself together and finally came down before they left and got to spend some quality time with them.  But it was a struggle.

I had to go back to a previous blog that I wrote about not letting myself be sick (here) to provide some inspiration on how I can get moving this afternoon.  I have yet to see if it works, but I'm determined to try.  My goals for this afternoon are to fold laundry and find some way to get moving.  We'll see if it happens.

I'd like to end with a little positive witticism like I usually do, but I just don't have it in me right now.


  1. Jake, I'm praying for some relief for you. If the roles were reversed, would you think of Tami as a burden? No, she'd be a precious, dear, loved one, just like always. That's how she sees you; I'm sure. Prayers and digital hugs for you... and your girls, whom I've never met.

  2. Groan! We are groaning in anguish on your behalf. No words of comfort will touch the spot that needs it right now Jake and family. Jesus holds you through thick and thin but we do know how hard that is. Love to love you in prayer and hope.

  3. Sometimes the most we can do is weather the storm and wait a break in the clouds. Thinking of you all.

  4. Thinking of you today. And praying.

  5. Sometimes there are no words to send that express our thoughts and wishes for you but know that we think of you often and pray for you each night.

  6. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words. I'm hoping that the coming days will be better.

  7. Jake,
    It is hard for me to wrap my mind around this diagnosis (I am sure I'm not alone here!!) and somehow reconcile it with the guy who would ONLY wear shorts to high school, even to early winter morning marching band rehearsals. I know there is so much more to you and your life than that, but it is one of my fondest memories of you. Also, it is because of you that I know the meaning of the word "resplendent". Late night on the bus to California writing poetry......
    Anyhow, when I'm feeling bad or down and have the presence of mind to remember this tactic, I like to bathe myself in love. I just lightly touch my arms, legs, face, trunk, all over! and say, "LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE." It really helps me feel better. I know this might seem like a drop in the bucket, but maybe you want to try it sometime when you are low. It works when you do it to other people, too! Know that you and your family are in my thoughts CONSTANTLY and I am imagining you bathed in the pure, white light of divinity where suffering does not exist. THANK YOU for taking time and energy to write this blog and share feelings that must be difficult. I am so thankful for you and your words.
    Lisa D

  8. Jake,
    My heart aches for you and for Tami and Myah! Let me share a favorite scripture: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" -Isaiah 41:10. The next three verses (in the NIV) make me think of the cancer you are battling. Know that the God who has made these promises is faithful. Look to Him! I'm praying that you receive all that He has for you!

  9. Jake,
    I offer no quotes from scripture and no blessings and it is not my way and I have not tongue for it. It is said I say very little on my faith, so in this time of need, I offer what I can; some beliefs. Strong people are often tested. As men, we constantly test ourselves, pushing our bodies to limits unknown. We push our minds and we enrich the lives of those around us. I, U and We have all done amazing things in our youth; the kind of things the weak cannot endure. I say our youth, because yes, we are there. Our kind, will it and we dominate in the face of adversary. We learn more from our struggles that we do from our successes. These lessons are yours, not because want them or because you need them but because you are strong enough to receive them. The strength while only slightly faded, will return soon enough. Continue to belief in yourself and draw strength from others when needed. When you need a laugh or gentle smile, surely remembrance of the glory days can offer some distraction. Stay the course.