Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Stop letting myself be sick

I had a horrible night last night.  I've been having these ultra realistic "waking dream" events in bed that completely mess with my head.  Last night was particularly bad.  For some reason I was stuck in Texas.  And everyone wanted to see me.  There was a BBQ downstairs and people (friends, family and strangers) kept coming upstairs for a visit.  The problem was that I was in so much pain and unable to move that it was like my own personal hell.  No one listened, no one helped.  Everyone just said that they were so sorry for me.  This translated into an actual and very intense pain in my back.  I don't know if it was tensed up for the hour or so that I was "asleep" before Tami got into bed, but it was excruciating.  I don't remember the events really clearly, but I remember being in tears and saying that I was just so tired of hurting.  Tami rubbed my back for about 10 or 15 minutes and talked me down (again).  By the time that she was done I felt exponentially better and my mind wasn't trying to kill me.  Then I slept soundly for 3 straight hours.  Just another reason she is my hero.

Each day can be a struggle for me.  Sleep doesn't come easy, my body hurts (despite a constant stream of prescribed narcotics) and I'm generally exhausted all the time.  So how do we overcome these challenges?  Stop letting myself be sick.  Easier said than done right?  But I've found that doing just that puts me in a better mood and makes me feel better.  After last night I didn't feel all that great this morning.  It took me an hour to get out of bed and I stayed in the shower until the water ran cool.  I had to take a nap during a 15 minute break in my training class (thankfully it's virtual, so I'm in my sweat pants and the nap was on my couch).  But during the lunch break I decided that I was tired of being sick.  So I went outside with the dog.  She watched me do squat thrusts across my patio...twice.  Then I did some calf raises.  I was out of breath but I felt like I could breathe more effectively.  My legs were shaky and weak, but I knew it was because I was pushing them, not because they were slowly dying on me.  And it all made me feel so much better. 

Now, an hour later, I've eaten an entire Marie Calendar's Turkey Pot Pie.  I also still feel better.  So much so that I think I'll ride my exercise bike during the next break.  And, if I have energy, maybe I'll spend some time with the bands tonight in front of the TV instead of having my legs kicked up on the couch with an iPad on my lap.  And if I do all of this...maybe, just maybe I'll sleep a little bit better tonight.

Now, I know...I know.  I can't do this everyday.  My new reality starts and restarts every hour.  I may not be able to push myself tomorrow, or even tonight.  But I'm tired of feeling sick and from now on, I intend to try to shift that balance in my favor as much as I can.

Push yourself today.  It doesn't have to be physically.  Maybe you haven't done something because fear is getting in your way, or you've been putting something off because there isn't enough time.  Stop making excuses and test your limits.  And when you find them...push through them.


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