Sunday, January 5, 2014


Tomorrow (Monday) is supposed to be my first day physically back at work since before Christmas. And I'm scared as hell. I never know how I'm going to feel when I wake up in the morning. I may be stuck in the bathroom for an hour or over the sink heaving because I didn't eat in time. And when I wake up refreshed and (somewhat) chipper, I may only be that way for an hour before I have to lay down. How does that bode for a dual 40 minute commute and a 4-6 hour day on site (splitting the day between home and office)?  With all of the challenges that I go through on a daily basis, how can I possibly go back to work?

Because I have to. I made commitments. To my team, to be there and contribute. To my family, to earn a living and provide. To myself, to get off my ass and start living my life instead of my disease. But ultimately I have no real choice at this point. We are a single income family and the wonderful health insurance that is helping me fight this disease comes from my (awesome) job. Yes, I have sick leave and long term disability...but those are nuclear options. I need to work while I can as long as it doesn't provide a hindrance to my health, my healing, my teammates and most espescially, my family. 

The hardest part of this from a mental standpoint is looking at the runway in front of me. I got diagnosed on November 15th. Shortly after we had Thanksgiving holiday. And just a few weeks after that we had Christmas shutdown and I got to stay home for two whole weeks. Now I'm faced with little vacation, precious sick leave and a long barren desert of days off. On the positive side, I'm hoping to develop a routine. On the realistic side, my reality prevents things like routine unless you're talking about pain pills and hydrating. 

I know this won't be easy. I get to the parking lot in the morning and my energy tank is already half gone. I still have hours of configurations, planning, meetings and everything else that work entails. And to top it off...a drive home. But it is necessary. It is necessary so that I may live my life and not my cancer's. So that I don't spend day after day steeped in sickness. Yes, those days will be unavoidable. But when you can will them away, if only for a bit, it makes you feel stronger. It makes you feel healthier and more capable. 

That's why I have to go back to work even though every fiber of my being is trembling right now. I don't know how tomorrow will go, but regardless of the outcome I will always have the next day to try again. 

I talk pretty big don't I?  ;)  I'm going to try to honor my words and myself with this one. 

When faced with an insurmountable challenge that makes you tremble in your boots...find a way to look past it at everything that you gain from confronting it. In this case, I keep my job, meet my commitments and distract myself from what is happening in my gut.

Now if I can just remember that in the morning. *big smile*


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