Because I have to. I made commitments. To my team, to be there and contribute. To my family, to earn a living and provide. To myself, to get off my ass and start living my life instead of my disease. But ultimately I have no real choice at this point. We are a single income family and the wonderful health insurance that is helping me fight this disease comes from my (awesome) job. Yes, I have sick leave and long term disability...but those are nuclear options. I need to work while I can as long as it doesn't provide a hindrance to my health, my healing, my teammates and most espescially, my family.
The hardest part of this from a mental standpoint is looking at the runway in front of me. I got diagnosed on November 15th. Shortly after we had Thanksgiving holiday. And just a few weeks after that we had Christmas shutdown and I got to stay home for two whole weeks. Now I'm faced with little vacation, precious sick leave and a long barren desert of days off. On the positive side, I'm hoping to develop a routine. On the realistic side, my reality prevents things like routine unless you're talking about pain pills and hydrating.
I know this won't be easy. I get to the parking lot in the morning and my energy tank is already half gone. I still have hours of configurations, planning, meetings and everything else that work entails. And to top it off...a drive home. But it is necessary. It is necessary so that I may live my life and not my cancer's. So that I don't spend day after day steeped in sickness. Yes, those days will be unavoidable. But when you can will them away, if only for a bit, it makes you feel stronger. It makes you feel healthier and more capable.
That's why I have to go back to work even though every fiber of my being is trembling right now. I don't know how tomorrow will go, but regardless of the outcome I will always have the next day to try again.
I talk pretty big don't I? ;) I'm going to try to honor my words and myself with this one.
When faced with an insurmountable challenge that makes you tremble in your boots...find a way to look past it at everything that you gain from confronting it. In this case, I keep my job, meet my commitments and distract myself from what is happening in my gut.
Now if I can just remember that in the morning. *big smile*