Tired

I'm tired...
Tired of feeling spent after just half a day at work,
Tired of not sleeping through a single night,
Tired of daily bloody noses,
Tired of food being my enemy instead of the friend I once knew,
Tired of the rash that's taken over my stomach and is slowly crawling up my chest,
Tired of the darkness that invades the good times and tries to subvert hope and light,
Tired of pity,
Tired of falling over because my equilibrium is shot,
Tired of ending up on the floor doubled over in pain (like this morning) that won't go away,
Tired of Chemo,
Tired of the tears,
Tired of the drugs,
I'm just so tired...

This afternoon I slept for a couple of hours after I (thankfully) made it home from work.  I got almost no sleep last night due to major abdominal pain and cramping.  Unfortunately, each time I woke up and thought..."I should take something for this...", I would fall asleep again.  It forced me to go in to work late this morning and move some things around.  Thankfully, the short time I was at work was productive, but it was short lived.

The rash on my stomach is an allergic reaction to my blood thinner injections.  It's listed in the documentation for the drug and should be mostly harmless...but incredibly frustrating.  Almost all of my injection site options are now covered by a thick, pink continent that itches really really badly.  And worst of all...it's taken up residence in my belly button.  Oh the humanity!  Now we have to find new injection spots where Tami will have to handle giving me the shots.

We have multiple scans tomorrow and chemo #10 on Friday.  I start the day off with an MRI then, after a couple of hours to fast and drink water, I have two different CT scans.  I'm not a huge fan of IVs now that I have my port, but I don't want to add an extra day to the weekend that my port IS accessed, so I'll have to make due.  I get the results of these scan on Friday when I see the Dr before my chemo.  I'm hoping beyond hope that I don't have yet another reaction to the Zaltrap.  We'll see how it goes.

In good news...I haven't lost any more weight.  This is something that I should be yelling from the rafters while jumping up and down.  The fact is...I'm just not that excited right now.  I'm too tired to smile and pat myself on the back and celebrate.  All I want to do is go to bed and wait for my gut to stop hurting. 

*sigh*  This isn't really a positive note, but it reflects how I've been doing over the past couple of weeks.  Ups and downs, with what seems like more downs than the other. 

Tomorrow is a new day.  It really is a new opportunity to make it a great day.  I'll try to keep that in mind. 

Jake